Over and done with.

I wish for a lot of things, at this point.

I wish 2013 would end ASAP, and take the heartache with it. It marked the occurrence of my first pregnancy on record, only to have it revealed weeks later that it was nonviable, and eventually non-existent. I’ll be completely honest (as always), I was a bit terrified of becoming a parent, and I’m kind of relieved the pressure’s off, for now, but it still hurt and left a hole inside.

I wish 2014 held some promise of being better than 2013, the year of my first miscarriage, and 2012, the year my best friend died alone and penniless, but those two heartbreaks coupled with my unfortunate depressive tendencies are painting a less than rosy view of the future.

I wish I could feel more excited about returning to school for the first time in over a decade—it’s a hairdressing course at a polytechnic, and so focused and rigorous and more likely than my last encounter with academia to result in gainful employment—but it’s mostly serving to remind me that for all my talent and all the things I try to achieve (not to mention the fact that I slogged through four long expensive years to earn a Bachelors degree, only to learn that the job advice my parents and their fellow baby boomers gave me was laughably outdated and a degree no longer guaranteed any kind of paycheck), I’m still earning less than my peers, and the traditional job market largely considers me worthless, and I should have decided on a course years earlier so I could be further along by now.

I wish I could enjoy life and be grateful for what I have, but the unpredictability and uncertainty of life has become so starkly obvious to me over the years that I just feel hopeless, bereft, and alone in a world largely uncaring or unable to help.

All that I have seems too easily taken away from me. Nothing is beautiful, and everything hurts.

So I wish most of all for the ability to soldier on, try to accomplish what I set out to achieve, and if I am not permitted to hold on to the people or the things that give me joy, at least to find something to take their places.

Welcome, the New Year. Please, be kind.


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